Today is Monday and I really do feel sluggish! I dunno why, maybe because I wasn't in the mood today or maybe because I was hanged by someone this afternoon.

Have you ever felt that someone rejected you for not knowing the real reason why? For the second and third time by the same person, what would you feel of being rejected? What do you think of this "once my resolve is formed, it cannot be changed" even she loves you and you still love her"?

I was hanged and left with that shade, thinking the possible reasons that makes this guy decided to stick from what he resolved even in return is the lost of her.

Was deciding to go to other country could be enough reason of being hurt even the reason of leaving is for her family? Or being informed that the girl you loved was baffled and confused with her feelings with her boyfriend and her best friend?

Actually, the girl was me and the man I was talking was the "first" man whom I decided to live with till the rest of my life. But because of I was confused with my feelings with my best friend, he got affected but yet I saved the relationship, I chose him because I loved him but in the later part, he leaves me after finding out that I am still decided to go to other country for my family.

Do you think there's a justice from that decision? After the break up, I may say that I became miserable in life.. Not serious with my studies, having low remarks in college changing my life style and everything were messed up as I was thinking that no one would ever take me seriously. I was involved in different problems but still, I am waiting for him to catch me but he failed me.

I am still waiting and looking forward that at the finish line, he is there waiting for me.. That thinking, that hopes, ends when I met my husband. Temporarily, moments with him and that hope, lost until January 2007 came, he visited me in my dreams, continuously, again, I go back to what I was hoping until I decided to let it go..

As I've said earlier, May 26, 2007 is the day where he stops visiting me in my dreams as I sign that I already let him go. But honestly, I wasn't moved by that shade and the book wasn't closed as how I wanted to be closed.

Hope someday, somewhere, he could tell me the reason why.. and somehow, the chapter of our book may be closed according to how it should be closed...